Georgetownrose

from glory to glory…

Suppressed Memories, Buried Joy…

Springtime is flowering all around me, and I am struggling to feel the joy and the comfort and the jubilant excitement of the season springing into life from the warmer breezes, the dazzling pinks and yellows and white blossoms and all the new baby leaflings against the brilliant blue skies, until…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 The scent of a bed of hyacinths in full bloom unlocks memories and tears away the web that has shrouded my soul in a poisonous coma far too long…And jubilant sounds of birdsong…

Rejection, abandonment; still stinging after all these years, like a vicious spider’s effort to keep her prey from escaping her grasp…this permeates my life like a sickening, deadly venom…

Even though I know that God has used the childhood wounds in His sovereign grace to bring me into His acceptance by the embrace of the Lord Jesus Christ—who is more to be desired than even a happy family life…

Unfathomable to my reasoning mind is that after years of counseling, I discover that the wounds of childhood rejection have burrowed so deeply into my soul that I cannot even remember how the lovely things God put into my life made me feel…even to this day, I am numb to how the beauties and blessings make me feel…I can neither put words to the pleasure, nor can I feel it fully, embracing it, allowing it to wrap me in the touches of the moments of comfort…

Like a recurring bad dream, I feel the loss more vividly in every unfulfilled hope of friendship near at hand—every joy which is followed by changing circumstances over which I have no control—instead of rejoicing in the moment and the season of the joys of that friendship while it is near at hand, and blessing the friends as God sends them on their appointed paths apart from me…

The loss is what takes hold of my soul…and I have turned a lock on my heart that is barring the way to enjoying new moments, new seasons of friendship with those God has moved into my reach and touch…Instead, I anticipate the ever-looming hand of change which promises to move these ones I would grasp as friends far away from my reach and the presence of their touches of kindness and endearment…

 Something deep in my soul cries out to me that this is sin. I know that God commands (even promises by the giving of His Spirit to my life) that I will not covet another’s joy or pleasure or blessing; nor will I make an idol of joy or pleasure or blessing…But to suppress recognition and embrace of God’s gifts of joy and moments of pleasure and blessing because of fear of loss of them, or by choosing to feel the pain of old wounds: that is sin, also—grievous sin… It is a root of bitterness—not unforgiveness, but simply a self-imposed famine bringing with it needless suffering…for myself and for those who want to be my friend and to share their blessings with me for as long as God would have them in my life…

 The 23rd Psalm says: “…Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…” (vs.6)…

 The same God who rescued me from my self at this season 35 years ago, is the same God who has been watching over my life with all its pain and all its pleasures to bring me safely into the rapturously loving grip of the Lord Jesus, My Shepherd…The same God who is sovereign and supreme and holy and majestic and far above all that I am or can conceive, is the same Great Shepherd who employs His hounds of love to follow me with goodness and mercy… And I have been acknowledging them with scarcely more than an obligatory word of thanks…I have insulated my feelings from their kisses, their warmth, their attentiveness, their sympathies, their sensitivities to my weaknesses and needs; their unconditional affectionate gestures…and God calls to me as He cried out to Adam in the garden: “where are you?” (Genesis 3.9; emphasis, mine).

He knows where I am…it is to this place He has tracked me, this Springtime when I caught the scent of hyacinths and heard the jubilant birdsong in my “coma”…And, this gorgeous Springtime day, with the wind of His cleansing blowing all about me, I step out into His gaze and surrender… “I have heard You, but now my eye sees You; therefore, I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes…” (Job 42.5-6).

Father, I need Your healing Hand upon me…Rescue me again from my SELF…

Abba Father, Lay Your Hands on Me

Spring has come again…

…behold, all things have become new


To all my friends who read my stuff, I pray that this piece is not a total “bummer” for you; I know that others struggle with wounds that seem to escape a full healing… These are my confessions of the joys and pleasures I have habitually buried as if in some irrational way, I have been expecting some other time to be a more appropriate time to enjoy them…losing out on the moments and ultimately the memories… Maybe you have experienced some of the same things; maybe you know someone dear to you who is locked inside a prison web of their own spinning… I pray this encourages you in some way… Many blessings from my restored soul and healing heart to yours…

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One thought on “Suppressed Memories, Buried Joy…

  1. Leslie Zapata CEO/IBO on said:

    Hi, long time no see. I was reading over my old blog I abandoned back in the Fall of 2014 and read over a comment you had left me (the only one). I tend to do that quite often, abandon projects that is. I have ADHD at 48 & it’s getting worse. But anywho, clicked on your name to find this great piece here and wanted you to know that you described me to a T in this:

    “the wounds of childhood rejection have burrowed so deeply into my soul that I cannot even remember how the lovely things God put into my life made me feel…even to this day, I am numb to how the beauties and blessings make me feel…I can neither put words to the pleasure, nor can I feel it fully, embracing it, allowing it to wrap me in the touches of the moments of comfort…”

    I am the exact very same way and never have been able to put it into words even though I consider myself a writer.
    Thank you so much for expressing these feelings openly and giving me a chance to see who and what I am.
    I promise I’m going to stick with my blog better this time lol. So come by and check out what us hillbillies are a doin’…lol.

    Thanks again,
    Leslie

    Like

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